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Every time going away, this time particularly to Saigon, I realize how
much I want to be with my family. Yesterday I spent the whole afternoon
wandering around on foot; thinking back now it was quite interesting
despite the heat and the sweat. It was actually fun trying to get
myself familiarized with the criss-cross of streets.
Saigon
from the pavement is different from Saigon from the motorbike seat, and
definitely far different from Saigon from the car window. From the car
window, everything just looks like everything else, that's why despite
dozens of times travelling to Saigon, I'm still clueless about
directions. Saigon from the motorbike sea may be the most charming. A
couple of times, I was taken arounf Saigon on motorbike, once was by my
aunt, other times by my friend. When on the motorbike, you move at a
speed slow enough and fast emough to capture the vibrancy of life on
the two sides of the roads. Plus, there is nothing separating you and
the air and the people and their activities arounf you, which gets you
fascinated. And that fascination is what gives rise to the view of
Saigon from the pavement.
I once toured Saigon four months
ago, with two friends from Singapore, and a map. This time I did it by
myself, oh, still with the map of course. In Singapore I travelled
alone a lot. I walked more than taking bus or train, partly because I
wanted to train as well as to challenge my endurence. The (slightly
bigger) reason was that while I wouldn't mind going round and round,
which was exactly what I did, others might find that annoying and
boring. So I chose the better option for both: to go by myself.
That was in Singapore though, yesterday walking alone, I wished I
had a twin sister, or maybe brother. Since I came back from Singapore, I
have grown to enjoy the company of somebody, my mom, my dad, my
sisters, my friends,... Regardless, it's always more comfortable to be
with those who love you, isn't it? And it takes time, a lot of time, to
foster such relationships.
I don't know whether I'm, wrong
to blame Singapore to make me a selfish, inconfident and low-esteemed
person. Isn't so? I cared too much about what others thought about me;
it was hardfor me to trust the sincerity in my relationships with
others; my thought revolved too much around how people did not like me
rather than the other way round,... Surprising revelation? Well it's
true. But that happened mostly in the last two years, the two years of
hell. I imagine how years down the road I'd recall them as the darkest
period of my life.
This thought just crossed my mindL it this
why Christianity is so much more popular in Singapore as compared to
Vietnam? People need some kind of trust in life, something to assure
them that well, the genuinity and sincerity in relationships still
exist. The Christian community, in my opinion, is kind of a big family
admist the isolating society of Singapore. By this I mean family in its
truest meaning, like what I mean when I talk about my family and
friends in Vietnam.
Recently, the idea of having a lovely,
protective, caring boyfriend and a romantic relationship excites me
much less than it used to, and I have no idea why. Yesterday evening,
as I lay scribbling various stuff into my notebook, my friend sang. She
sang songs with lyrics about the kind of relationship I just
mentioned. It surprized me how I was not moved by them. I read the
lyrics and remmebered how they used to touch my heart. I searched my
memory for when that started. Rather, my search wandered to "why". I
thought it was because I'm feeling so loved, so protected by my family,
so my "condition" probably started only four months ago. But the thing
is, that love and protection have always existed. Do you recall any
time when you were burning with thirst, a drop of water, which were
usually tasteless and plain, seemed like the most delicious drink in
the world? Yes, what I want to say is that I feel like I have been
deprived of such love and protection until four months ago.
I
remembered once telling my dad how I couldn't sleep without a blanket,
regardless of the weather; and my dad said it meant I loved to be
protected, he also added, "I'm not saying that you are weak, just
love-to-be-protected". His words always make me feel comfortable, and
confident too.
Pretty long entry eh? My though just flows,
and I have time, and a pen and some paper (I'm actually writing on my
way back to Vung Tau on the ferry, or hydrofoil they call it). I don't
know why my thought didn't flow like this in Singapore. Most of the
time it swriled around where to go, how to get there, what time, ... So
I love every time coming back home. And I also hope it wouldn't happen
in the far-away land...
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