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I have a bunch of things that I could/should be doing. A pile of paperwork staring at me, for instance. Yet here I sit, absorbed in my fucked up thoughts. I have written on this damn thing several times, only to delete the entries. I'm not sure why I delete, it's not like anyone will ever see it. But what if someone does? Does it matter?...Nope. The only person who has ever looked at this shit is me and J...but I can't imagine her looking for it. Her stuff still pops up on my regular screen name, though I am not sure why. We are not "connected" from this one, so it's as close to private as I can get, I reckon. Again, not that I care if she sees it, unless it is somehow painful for her, but I still doubt she will be looking for it.
She seems to want as much distance as posible between us. I guess I get it. But it sucks ass. I find myself thinking of her quite often. In this age of constant connection, it is very hard to avoid someone. I haven't tried to avoid her...it's the other way around...but it is difficult. We had a little back and forth on FB last night. That was nice, but left me with my fucked up thoughts. Less than an hour ago, I was on a run about 100 yards from her house...and that fact did not escape me... More fucking thoughts. So what is it that I think when these things occur? It just stirs the feelings. I miss her very much. I miss the sharing we did, of all things. I actually have alot of shit going on right now, but no outlet for my frustrations. Before, I could have talked to her and received an honest, unbiased opinion of things. I really don't have anyone else to confide in. Actually, I probably do...but don't want to. I just feel like I have alot of bottled up emotions that are going to just fucking BLOW! I'm not used to it. I usually don't feel tense and emotional too much, so it is a foriegn sensation...and I don't like it. I don't think that I will "blow", but i still feel like shit.
Then there is the ever familiar pit-of-the-stomach feeling. Everyone knows the feeling. The dull ache, the longing, the sickness. The feeling you get when you miss someone so bad, and there isn't a fucking thing you can do about it. The ill feeling you get when you wonder where they are. What they are doing. Who they are with. If they are happy. If they are happ-i-e-r! I assume everyone has experienced this...but maybe it's just me. I have felt it more than I care to admit. I know from experience that it gets better with time, but that time will be a long one on this girl.
I need to do something. I don't know what, but something. I used to unwind by staying in the woods for a few days. Killing some poor helpless critter. Ususally not, actually, but the time away was still therapeudic. Maybe thats what I should do. Load up the tent, and just go commune with nature for awhile. Turkey is in season, but I never really cared for it. So I would still just be alone with my thoughts...never a good combo. I'm just so fucking tense, on edge all the time. I miss the one I love. I am bottling emotions. I have kid issues to deal with. I haven't been laid in almost a year. On top of it all, my youngest is texting me right now...bitching about his Mom. This has become an almost daily ritual. I need to vent. Shoot something. Beat the fuck out of something.
Whatever. I'm a big whining ass puss. Suck it up! Rub some dirt on it! Walk it off! ClicheClicheCliche...ad nauseum. I'm gonna get to work....fuck it.
More: http://www.hsengine.com/s_procrastination.html
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